Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Congratulations! We have a period
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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