so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize