Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
