woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
