you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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