Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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