We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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