good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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