So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
