I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
