You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
