Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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