I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
