I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
