If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
