I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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