My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
