You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He kissed a someone with a penis
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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