Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
