yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
