Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
