i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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