i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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