I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
