he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
