Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
