My Higher Power is John Stamos
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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