you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I think I just sharted jello shots
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
