I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
