Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize