I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
