get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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