You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
