Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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