so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
No I am not eating basil off your cock
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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