Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
