i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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