Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
