just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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