You smell like a Billy Joel song
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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