dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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