god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
