so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
