I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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