she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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