I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
