I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
