I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
