what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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