Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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