Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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