I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
