I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
