remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
