I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize