I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And then my night got REAL pukey
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
